I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
