i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My vagina is officially offended.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
