I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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