The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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