____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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