I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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