Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
