Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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