Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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