hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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