what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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