Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
