i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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