Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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