I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
