Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Did I show you my penis last night?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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