my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I wish there were birth control emojis
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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