I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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