I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
