A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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