We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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