I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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