Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
