U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
