and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
