This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
