I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
