so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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