Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize