If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish you could order shots online.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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