Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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