I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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