If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
