I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
