I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
