You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
