my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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