Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
