today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
