I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
