I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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