stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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