After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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