just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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