we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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