Im at strip club and am horny
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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