I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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