Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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