My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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