New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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