you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
