im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
