i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
