So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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