Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
