i jhust puked up my retainher.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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