I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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