Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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