I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
